Where Rules Meet Compassion: Balancing Structure & Empathy In Dog Training

By Norma Jeanne Laurette ​

Introduction

​​Where Rules Meet CompassionAs dog guardians, we spend a lot of time teaching our dogs rules and boundaries, such as lying down while we’re eating or preparing food and sit for greetings. Rules aren’t arbitrary, they help keep our dogs safe, build desirable habits and make life together more enjoyable (R1). But what happens when our dog is confused, stressed, anxious, afraid, sick, fatigued, injured, in pain, aging or simply needing a little extra TLC? Suddenly, the rules that once seemed so important shift because there are times when compassion must take priority over policies.

When Rules Take A Back Seat

Dogs thrive on routine and training helps teach them self control and how to earn valued resources however, life isn’t always predictable. Special circumstances can make rules not only unnecessary, but also upsetting, hard to follow or even painful for the dog.

A senior dog may require frequent bathroom breaks even throughout the night, and a dog recovering from surgery might find sitting or lying down on cue difficult and painful. A sick dog could lose its appetite and an anxious dog have trouble focussing and responding to instructions. Under special circumstances, flexibility and compassion matter more than following the rules (R2).

Safety Versus Convenience

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It’s important to distinguish between safety rules and convenience rules. Safety rules such as staying on leash near traffic or preventing access to unsafe environments must always be upheld, while rules involving unnecessary instructions, where a dog sleeps, when it goes out or when it gets treats can be relaxed when a dog needs comfort and compassion (R3). What does compassion look like in a well-structured household? Here are a few practical examples.

Treats Without Rules

​​Giving an unearned treat to a sick or elderly dog isn’t spoiling it, it’s offering a little comfort, and can be the only way to entice a sick dog with no appetite to eat. Dogs understand more than we give them credit for, and unless the treats are exacerbating existing problems or creating new ones, small, kind gestures can provide emotional support and improve a dog’s quality of life (R4).

Skipping Cues

​Asking a dog to sit before going outside may be part of your daily routine however, if a dog has mobility or joint issues, insisting on that sit can cause unnecessary stress and pain. Letting the dog go out without sitting first, demonstrates compassion and understanding.

Extra Attention & Flexibility

​Senior or unwell dogs may need more attention, frequent trips outside, softer bedding, help getting in and out of the car and changes to their routine. Extra attention and flexibility acknowledges their needs, reduces anxiety and makes their lives easier and more enjoyable (R5).

Adjusting Training Expectations

When special circumstances affect emotions, health, appetite, pain, mobility, vision, hearing, cognition or energy, training should adapt accordingly. Asking high-energy or physically demanding activities of a dog with mobility issues is unkind and unrealistic, and expecting a dog with dementia to process instructions it can’t understand is unfair. When a dog’s limitations calls for relaxed rules, focus instead on gentle and easy interactions, comfort and reassurance.

Signs That Rules Should Be Adjusted

Although structure is important, and it’s normal for dogs to test boundaries, the following signs suggest that adjusting your plan is not only appropriate but necessary.

• Difficulty moving or performing learned behaviours due to age
• Vision, hearing or cognition impairment
• Confusion, disorientation or appearing “lost” in familiar environments
• Pain or discomfort
• Illness or injuries
• Loss of appetite
• Stress, anxiety or fear
• Increased clinginess or separation anxiety
• Sudden changes in behaviour or personality
• Increased need for rest or difficulty settling
• Changes in sleep patterns (restlessness at night or excessive sleeping during the day)
• Withdrawal from social interaction (people and/or other dogs)
• Reduced tolerance for handling, grooming or proximity
• Accidents in the house in spite of previous reliability
• Slower response times or highly distracted
• Emotional shutdown or learned helplessness

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Behaviour is communication and changes in behaviour indicate that something needs to be addressed. By identifying the problem and treating the root cause, the situation may improve however, sometimes your only option is management. Whichever the case, flexibility and compassion are required.

Recognizing these signs allows us to prioritize our dog’s physical, psychological and emotional wellbeing, and in these situations, there’s no reason to be concerned about bending the rules. Compassionate care does not mean abandoning training, it means adapting to your dog’s needs (R6).

Finding Balance

Although structure is important, and it’s normal for dogs to test boundaries, the following signs suggest that adjusting your plan is not only appropriate but necessary.

• Difficulty moving or performing learned behaviours due to age
• Vision, hearing or cognition impairment
• Confusion, disorientation or appearing “lost” in familiar environments
• Pain or discomfort
• Illness or injuries
• Loss of appetite
• Stress, anxiety or fear
• Increased clinginess or separation anxiety
• Sudden changes in behaviour or personality
• Increased need for rest or difficulty settling
• Changes in sleep patterns (restlessness at night or excessive sleeping during the day)
• Withdrawal from social interaction (people and/or other dogs)
• Reduced tolerance for handling, grooming or proximity
• Accidents in the house in spite of previous reliability
• Slower response times or highly distracted
• Emotional shutdown or learned helplessness

Behaviour is communication and changes in behaviour indicate that something needs to be addressed. By identifying the problem and treating the root cause, the situation may improve however, sometimes your only option is management. Whichever the case, flexibility and compassion are required.
Recognizing these signs allows us to prioritize our dog’s physical, psychological and emotional wellbeing, and in these situations, there’s no reason to be concerned about bending the rules. Compassionate care does not mean abandoning training, it means adapting to your dog’s needs (R6).

When Rules Return

​​Even during compassionate care, it’s important to know when to reintroduce structure, boundaries and rules, because allowing a dog to dictate the rules can lead to an unruly, needy and demanding dog. If the dog recovers and adjusts to its challenges, things can begin to go back to normal. The key is observation because each dog is unique and timing should be guided by their comfort, ability and behaviour. Gentle reintroduction of expectations allows the dog to regain its skills without stress or pressure. If the issues are not resolvable, compassion needs to continue to override the rules as you guide your dog through the rest of its journey.

Last Days

​I’ve guided more than a few dogs through illness, old age and leaving this world, while others have died prematurely or unexpectedly. I’ve learned so much from each dog and their unique journey, and no matter how painful it is to say goodbye, they are all so worth it! These are just a few of my experiences balancing rules with compassion.

Blue, my Golden Retriever/Doberman cross lived to be 14.5 years old, she was diagnosed with a severe heart murmur at 14 years. Dobermans are one of the highest risk breeds for heart problems and Golden Retrievers can develop heart issues as they age. I knew our time was limited so I spent as much time as I could with her, just hanging out, cuddling and slow, short walks. She got extra treats, mostly cut up meat and marrow bones to chew on. Although I knew our time together was short, her death was still sudden and unexpected. For the record, we no longer give our dogs marrow bones due to the risk of chipped teeth, instead we give frozen, hollow nylabones stuffed with delicious and healthy ingredients.

My German Shorthaired Pointer Kimo lived to be 17. Although still healthy, she had developed dementia that had become quite severe. She required a lot of supervision as she could get stuck in corners, appear lost, had restless nights and urinary incontinence. We spent most of our time together cuddling on the couch. One morning when she struggled to stay on her feet I asked her if she’d had enough. The way she looked at me made my decision. I called my vet then cooked two turkey breasts and sliced them up. She passed away in my arms, eating all the turkey she wanted, she was peaceful and happy when she passed.

My rescued Malamute cross, Wile E. Coyote lived for 15.5 years. I allowed Wile E. to choose when she wanted to hike with us and when she’d rather stay home, as it was becoming more difficult for her to keep up due to arthritis. Every morning I’d ask her if she wanted to come and she’d either come to the door or go to her bed and lie down. When she joined us I’d slow down to make it easy for her to keep up, I’d keep the hike very short and stay close to my truck. I’d let her set the pace and spend as much time as she wanted sniffing and exploring, rather than keeping a brisk pace, which made her happy. I’d lift her in and out of my truck to prevent her from having to jump in and out.

I’ve raised and lost many dogs over the years and it never gets easier, especially when the dog is still young or the death is unexpected. In every case, when I knew the end was near I would throw the rules out the window with the exception of safety, and shower them with extra time, love, attention, food and treats. I would do everything in my power to help them enjoy their last days to the fullest. When you know it’s their very last day it’s my opinion that it’s okay to drop all the rules about food and allow them to eat anything you feel they would enjoy to give them as much pleasure as possible while leaving this world.

Euthanasia At Home

​One thing that’s changed for us is that we now have our dogs euthanized in their own beds in their own home to prevent the stress of dying at a vet clinic. When moving to the country in eastern Ontario in 2015, Greg and I had 5 dogs between us. Only a few months later Wile E. was showing signs that she was no longer enjoying quality of life as was Greg’s dog Sahara, followed by Greg’s Leia a couple years later. We had the vet come to our home and Wile E. and Sahara passed together. Leia also died at home in her own bed. Although it was painful for us, it was calm and peaceful for our dogs. This is our plan for all our dogs moving forward because it’s much better for all of us.

Summary

​Loving a dog is about a lot more than just training and behaviour, it’s about empathy, understanding and companionship. Although training, boundaries and structure are important, they must also adjust to the realities of illness, aging and special circumstances. Dogs remind us that love is rooted in patience, flexibility and compassion, and by understanding when to maintain our rules and when to relax them, we can create a home that’s safe, nurturing and full of love for both us and our dogs.

References

(R1) McConnell, P. B. (2002). The other end of the leash. Ballantine Books. Discusses how rules help reduce stress and provide clarity in dog training.
(R2) Serpell, J. (2020). Dog behavior: Insights for training and care. Cambridge University Press. Explains adapting rules based on dog health and well-being.
(R3) Yin, S. (2009). Low-stress handling, restraint, and behavior modification of dogs & cats. CattleDog Publishing. Highlights balancing safety and flexibility.
(R4) Pryor, K. (2006). Don’t shoot the dog. Ringpress Books. Emphasizes using treats and rewards compassionately.
(R5) Overall, K. L. (2013). Manual of clinical behavioral medicine for dogs and cats. Elsevier. Addresses providing comfort to older or sick dogs.
(R6) Lindsay, S. R. (2000). Handbook of applied dog behavior and training. Iowa State University Press. Discusses observing dogs to adjust training.
(R7) Horowitz, A. (2009). Inside of a dog: What dogs see, smell, and know. Scribner. Explains flexible leadership in dog care.
(R8) Wells, D. L. (2009). The effects of environmental enrichment on dog behavior. Applied Animal Behaviour Science, 117(1–2), 1–12. Covers the emotional benefits of choice and comfort.
(R9) Miklósi, Á. (2007). Dog behavior, evolution, and cognition. Oxford University Press. Highlights dogs’ awareness of human empathy.
(R10) Dunbar, I. (2012). Before and after getting your puppy. James & James. Discusses reintroducing rules after periods of health-based flexibility.
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Photo By Norma Jeanne Laurette